Latest Entries »

The Maid Takes A Stand

Well I have officially done it. I have officially moved in with Justin. I don’t live with either of my parents anymore!!! It’s a cool feeling, however there are some negative aspects.

  1. If something (god forbid) happens between Justin and I, I will have no car or parents to stay with. No money and most of my shit I had to get rid of to move in with him, like all my dressers and art stuff and blah blah blah. I basically have makeup, hair stuff, and clothes. Not much else. But I don’t need tons of stuff to be happy anyway. But it was pretty fucking hard to throw away my old paintings and my art portfolio. Talk about a tear jerker.
  2. I hate being treated like a maid. Justin apologizes all of the time and now has started helping me cook and clean the kitchen. But I still get disrespected by being ordered around by sometimes Justin, but his dad mostly. He tells me what to cook (and sometime the audacity to tell me HOW to as well, major no no), and he tells me to straighten Justin out for him. Like showering every day, not smoking in the apartment, i.e. mommy-dearest kind of things. Um, no.

We got invited to a Halloween party by one of Justin and his dad’s friends. It’s invite only, and costumes are required. It sounds like it’ll be a blast. Of course, being the stereotypical girlfriend, I wanted Justin and I to match. Well he decided that he is going to go as The Mask (you know, the one with Jim Carrey? 1994?). Anyways, the only matching thing for me was to try and pretend to be Cameron Diaz as Tina Carlyle. That isn’t going to work because I am twice the size of her, and I sure as hell ain’t wearing the tiniest mini dress on the planet.

So screw it. I’ll just do my own thing. Since Justin’s costume is going to pretty bad ass, (he’s painting his face green and everything) I have to do something that is either equally awesome or funny. I chose funny. Since I’ve kept semi-quiet about the maid thing, that’s what I’m going as. A French maid. It’s hot, it’s funny, and it fucking fits. It’ll make them think twice about how they treat me when I go around telling party goers why I chose my costume when they ask. Mwah ha ha. Take that. Take it in, think on it, and fucking learn from it.

Can I get you anything else misir? Oh you need a drink or a cigarette?

GO GET IT YOUR FUCKING SELF 😛

But, Je t’aime. No matter what.

Legal

Man. Its sucks not being 21. Here I am, stuck at home when Justin and his dad are out having a good time with all of their friends. I’m am the DD. And for the first time, it has nothing to do with my chest. I’m the designated driver for the night. And I get to stay at home, alone, and just wait by the phone for the ‘pick us up’ call.

Fun. Happy birthday to him. And I don’t even get to share it with him.

View full article »

Weighed Down

To all my fellow young adults still living at home, I’m sorry. I can commiserate with you. It is a painfully long and grueling process to climb your way out of what appears to be the hole of childhood.
April is coming around the corner. And that means I’m going to be freaking 20. And I still can’t seem to budget properly, I’m doing things I probably shouldn’t, I’m spending more time with my boyfriend than at home, and when I am home, all my parents want to do is fight about money. Woo. Sounds like a great circle of life right? Wrong. This ain’t no Disney movie. This shit’s real.
Part of me wants to just cut all ties with my parents and hold up the golden finger to them and move in with Justin. But those ties are my issue. They are actually my lifelines. My parents are temporarily paying for my student loan, my insurance, and now the bill to get my car fixed after my accident. All of which I still have to pay back to them, so it’s a win-lose for me. But at this point, I’m so far f-ing detached from them that all I need is to win a small lottery to pay them back so I can escape this madness. I don’t even care if I have money leftover. I just want to be free of this debt that I have with everyone. Each brick of debt that every single person has put on me to help me is doing the opposite now. I’m barely dragging myself across the ground from the weight.
So I feel for all of my fellow debtors. It sucks. It mother f-ing sucks. But hey, when they throw you to the wolves, just make sure you come back leading the pack.

Out of Place

After having the night and following day (of which was today) to mull things over, all is well now. The money thing is still an issue, but my family drama simmered. There is still an overhang of tension, but its more normal.
What has been eating at me lately is that I have moments when things just don’t feel right. Not that “Why is the world against me” kind of thing, just off. I have moments when I feel on top of the world with work and with Justin. Other days, my boss overwhelms me and Justin disrespects me without evening knowing he’s hurt me. Its just this weird tug of war between happy and gloomy days.
For the longest time, all I’ve wanted is to feel loved by someone, to be appreciate for the work I do and the person I am, and to feel like I belong in this world. But all too often I feel as though I am walking this path alone that is leading to nowhere but a dead end. Anywho, a map may come my way. Or maybe the stars will align and direct me to the place I am supposed to call home.
Until that day, I will just keep on walking.

Drowning in Quicksand

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. This is really the only outlet of which I can vent the crap that is my life without expecting anything in return. No rebuttals, defenses, or arguments. Just getting it off my chest.
So I don’t really care to do the whole catch-up from the point of my last blog. I just got driven to tears of a lot of piled up stuff. So here goes nothing.
Sunday night, November 9th, I got into my first car accident. Nothing too serious, but it sure as heck woke me up. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been looking at apartments and money wasn’t being the forefront of my life. But now, I found out that the car I bought from my stepmom, of which is still on their insurance, has a outrageous deductible. I now apparently have to pull $1000 out of my butt to pay to fix my car and the girl’s car I hit I have to throw in an extra $100. Money strikes me again.
Next topic would be my family issue. Being that I like to spend most of my evenings at my boyfriend’s apartment, it isn’t sitting well with my family. I don’t mean harm to them, I just prefer to hang out at a place where I know that I won’t get lectured about chores, lectured about money, and always compared to others who have things going better for them. Essentially, I feel like I’m being put down every time I’m home. So I run to Justin’s. This has created a double edged sword. I didn’t want to be home for the lectures, and now that I am gone all the time, my parents are saying I’m pushing them away and that I’m using them as my banker. I didn’t mean for any of that to occur. I just…I don’t know anymore. I have trouble talking about how I feel, so I just keep everything in. It’s officially hurting me now.
My dad goes on and on about how I am probably wearing out my welcome at Justin’s. He is probably right. Tonight specifically, I asked if I could go over there. And this was all happening in our living room where my stepmom, brothers, and dad were all watching TV. I was told that I should not drive my car until it gets fixed. Then it lead to “How come you never want to be apart of the family anymore?” and “Do you have to be over there all the time?” and the finally “Fine, if you want to become more and more detached from your family, go right ahead. Go over there.” I immediately called Justin and told him if he wanted to come get me, he had to pick me up, but that he shouldn’t.
Thereafter, my mood wasn’t as happy, and I went to be without saying a word. I just wanted to be alone and think about things. Then I heard a knock at my door. It was my dad, who wanted to talk again. Privately in my room, he began to explain about how he felt like I was treating him like my banker and that they are just storing my stuff. He also told me how it looked like I was just getting all grumpy because I didn’t get what I want and didn’t get to see Justin just the one single night. I tried to say that I was just viewing about keeping myself happy by being with Justin, but that’s when my dad brought up the wearing out my welcome thing. And that I should stay home some so they could see me.
I didn’t mean to cause all this strife. I always feel like I’m the spark to all these fires that keep happening. I don’t even realize that anytime I do an action, I upset someone or mess things up. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I’ve been getting more frequent anxiety attacks. I had to pull over on my way to work Monday morning following my accident because I couldn’t breathe. That is a major thing that I have dealt with since 8th grade is my anxiety. My dad hates hearing the words like depression, anxiety, etc. because those words are related to “happy pills” that he doesn’t think anyone needs. That you don’t need to take pills to make you happy. So I never mention to him about it, because it’s yet another conversation where we both won’t understand each other.
And the fact that I can’t form my words to talk about what’s going on doesn’t help. My heartbeat just fills my ears and I shake my head and say “yeah” or “ok”. I just feel like I’m drowning in quicksand. Slow, painful, scary, and inescapable.

Lost

Some aspects of life are going good for me now. Fantastic even. Other aspects, not so much. My stupidity with money and my strife with my parents make life difficult. I have lied to my parents several times, and been caught with all of them. This ties into my money issue because they have been helping pay for many things. Essentially keeping me under the umbrella of a minor dependent.
I hate a lot of decisions that I have made, and yet some of the others that I have made have been good. My current relationship is amazing, at least I think so. I’m trying to juggle being a good girlfriend all while trying to be an obedient daughter. But hell, my rebellious I don’t give a flying f*&$ attitude towards still living at home burns me inside. I want to move out SO BADLY, but I don’t have enough money. Even the cheaper end of places are still like $550 a month. I don’t even have $300 to my name. Not to mention that I have $230 to pay for my tires, I have a monthly student loan payment of $150, I have my windshield to replace before the cracks get worse, my air conditioning in my car is acting up, I have to constantly fill up my car for driving to work in Carrollton, and not to mention all of the miscellaneous stuff I want to buy.
Money just f&%$ing sucks. This is when I wish I chose to live with my mom because I would have qualified for some form of funding for school and such. Living in what looks to be a privileged household is never what people think it is. I don’t get everything that I want, if ever. I have tons of responsibilities piled up on my shoulders. Expectations are piled up high as well.
Some days suck. The only days that don’t suck are the ones when I’m hanging out with friends or mainly hanging out with my boyfriend. His place is an escape from my drowning world. I’m not even thinking super far in the future either. I’m just taking life day by day, hoping that this lasts a while.
All in all, it just appears as though I’m lost in this middle-ground between darkness and happiness. I guess we’ll see if I can find my road map.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Start Again

It feels so good to be here. To be so alive again. I have a renewed hunger for every single day that arises. I have a reason to smile wider than ever before.
It’s an amazing feeling really. The world just feels really…truly…whole again.

“Passion rebuilds the world for the youth. It makes all things alive and significant.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want you to be my escape.

Take me to a place I want to go.

I want to dive off that cliff of wonder.

Take me only you and I will know.

 

Because life is insane.

It has so many ups and downs.

Because a straight line is just so boring.

It has to be weird to erase my frowns.

 

You know some of the real me.

Not all, but for the main facts you know quite a few.

You will always be there for me.

Not everyone has a friend like you that is so true.

 

Be there for me when I need you.

Always lend your ears and welcoming heart.

Be that warming comfort.

Always know that we are never far apart.

A Boat Ride Called Life

We all have to face it at some point. Bills, no more summers, less frequent days off, finding soul mates, settling into a career, etc. For some, this arrives quicker. I’ve tried to prolong adulthood as much as possible, but I’m past due growing up.

It’s amazing how expensive life is. Your parents pay for your admission onto the boat. They then pay for all your needs as you stay on this boat. Slowly, you become capable of making money and paying for your own stuff. Your pockets either become full of savings or heavy with debt. So you either enjoy ‘life’ or you don’t even focus on it.

I’m in the debt category.

I drew a picture of how I feel about this debt too. It makes me feel like I’m drowning. And this anchor (money) gets bigger and bigger as I keep getting more and more things to pay for. And I haven’t even moved out of my parents house yet! Slowly, I’m sinking deeper and deeper. I’m frantically trying to cut off the anchor by working more and more at my job, in hopes of rising to the surface. And hopefully I will find a life boat so I never have to see that anchor again.

I don’t want to sink to the bottom of the ocean before I even get the chance to enjoy my boat ride. This boat ride is so short already if you think about it in the span of time. It’s more than a bunch of wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, but then again, it’s not. So I have to make each millisecond count, while not losing myself in the process.